Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
