im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
