the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
