How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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