what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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