Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
