I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
