Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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