I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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