im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
