I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
