Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
