how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
