True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
