It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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