I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
