I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
