spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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