my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
