if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
