he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
They took my balls.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
