New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
