I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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