The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
