I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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