I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
me + whiskey = a bad person
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
