true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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