I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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