My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
