he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
