I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I puked a lego.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
