12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
