thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
