Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize