I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
