the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Pants are for mortals
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
