i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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