I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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