you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
