Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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