eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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