I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
