im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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