After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
