I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize