For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
