I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
