he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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