God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
