She said her name was "party"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
