My sheets look like a crime scene.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
