I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
