i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
