how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
