i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
