i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
