Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize