I cannot find my penis.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
