whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
