I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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