what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
