I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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