So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize