I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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